Where do I begin?
So many things to say yet no words spoken,
I mean, how can you un-love the person you thought was the one from the very beginning?
Is there any specific instruction on how to begin to un-love?
When you clearly lost yourself in the process of loving someone else.
How can you even begin to put into words the feeling of your heart constantly breaking as days past by,
The thought of happiness slowly dies down in your soul as it fades away like clouds
Still remembering the last moments of true happiness of being in-love and feeling love,
Asking myself every single day, was this all my fault?
I never held grudges but I put a grudge on my old self.
How can you be so childish and selfish to only think about your own feelings.
I forgot to consider your feelings.
I slowly became selfish,
Took something special for granted.
The times I’ve caused pain in your life, my heart hurts.
Even until today, I can still feel the pain you felt through the words and actions I brought upon you.
For that I am sorry.
But know that, every single tear and pain I gave you, came right back to me.
I never thought you would ever leave,
But you did.
And you know
It did really hurt.
I pushed you to your limits
Thinking about how you can break your own relationship became a painful reminder.
This woman who stood before me, is not the woman who I want to become.
The pain I felt became the reason for me to find myself again
Because I knew she was there waiting for me
Just waiting for me to come home again,
I found her,
I found me.
Memories play in my head like a broken record.
Replaying the days I wish never ended, a dream I wish lasted a lifetime,
Is this what loving someone so much could do to you?
Can we just go back to the day we first laid eyes on each other?
Where innocence filled the air and all we knew was to love and care for each other?
Like brother and sisters, my best friend.
Every piece of our memory I want to keep forever.
So I can relive every single one of them and say,
“Wow God made our love story a special one”
Something no one should ever take for granted.
Though many say I should not turn back, my heart keeps pulling me back.
My mind is saying goodbye,
Yet my heart is saying hello.
Wanting to let go of everything but too afraid to close the door.
Will this be another mistake I will make?
Asking God to heal my heart
For he is the one who made me whole.
Wondering why I cannot forget about you?
As much as I try, my heart still lingers for your love.
It does not make sense. I am still broken and I am lost.
Lost because the love I used to give whole-heartedly has temporary been lost,
Nowhere to be found, even I can’t find it myself.
I feel like a part of my heart stayed with you.
Trying to fall in love again,
Yet my heart seems to have forgotten how to love.
Did I become a heartless person?
I love myself, but I also want to love again.
Though I know for now, it’s my time to love myself whole-heartedly.
Giving myself a childish kind of love.
A love only found from within.
But do you even think of me like the way I think of you?
I shouldn’t even be imagining these silly thoughts.
Funny how I still cry some nights when I know I shouldn’t be
I knew that it was okay to still shed a tear once in a while.
This is all part of my healing, my journey.
Knowing that your heart belongs to someone else now
Your eyes are no longer fixed with mine
but with hers.
The love that was once mine now belongs to her.
That’s the funny thing about love, I should feel upset but I found silence.
With that silence I found happiness.
The happiness I have been searching for.
I am happy.
I am happy because I was able to find myself again.
I am happy because I found a way to forgive
I am happy because I can finally make myself happy
I am happy because everyone around me is happy
I am happy because I found peace in my life
I am happy because the old me no longer lives in my soul
I am happy because I value my family more than anyone
I am happy because God found his daughter once again.
I am happy because I am my missing piece.
I am happy because even if love seems so far away right now, it will find a way in my life again
I am happy because you are happy.
I am happy for the both of us.
The way our life has unfolded is the way it should be,
No mistake, no error.
The process of growth is what we needed.
The only thing I can do is to pray for you
To pray for your health and peace,
For every prayer you long for to come true,
For your family who means the world to you
And for you to become the Man God is continually creating.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 says
“Love is patient, love is kind”
“It does not envy, it does not boast”
“ It is not easily angered”
“It keeps no record of wrongs”
All of these things, I forgot to remember for you
We promised we would put God in the centre of our relationship,
Yet I was the one continuing to back track from his words and promises
Forgetting the true meaning of love.
The real reason why we chose to love in the first place.
I slowly began understanding the real meaning of love
And I knew it had to start with me loving my God and myself first.
I must learn to be patient and to become kind again,
A rebirth of my love
This time, loving myself and others with a purpose.
God is an amazing Father.
Through this journey of me letting go and finding myself
He continues to remind me that no matter how many times I walk away from him
And try to create a journey alone.
That he will never ever leave me.
For he is the God who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow,
There are still various giants in my life waiting to face me, but I know with God by my side
I can do anything through him who strengthens me.
Getting my heart broken is not one of my regrets.
It was a great reality check in my life,
A blessing in disguise.
This process of growth I am in has yet to unfold.
We keep growing every second, every minute, every hour of our life.
Not knowing where God will take us next.
We choose to magnify things in our lives
Whether it be, our family, our jobs, and other things that surrounds our happiness.
What I am magnifying today is my growth
How proud I am of this woman who stands before me today
Who went through various changes throughout the months passed.
Despite the setbacks that sent her rock bottom,
Just look at this woman in front of you,
She is strong
She is beautiful
She is courageous
She is godly
She is humble
She is peaceful
She is one of a kind
She is fearless
She is bold
She is weird
She is talented
She is funny
She is a daughter of God
She is loved.